JERRY'S COUNTDOWN EXPERIENCE
The project started in 1998, when I first plucked up the courage to send off for an audition, having continually boasted to my friends about beating the grand finalists. But I failed the audition. I put this down to the artificial nature of the letters and numbers used, but the truth is I had an awful performance and was completely wooden when answering the questions about myself. (They don’t do that bit since Mark Nyman left).
I applied again in December 2001 and instantly started writing a program to practice Countdown on an Excel spreadsheet (using Excel makes it easier to play the game and update the program at work without being noticed). I managed a lot of practice as my audition was not until January 2003. By this time I was playing every day against the tv contestants, and reckoned on beating 90% of them, but was not so good at crucial conundrums. I also had worked out that I had little chance of beating the likes of Chris Wills and Julian Fell, so did a lot of training on four large numbers in the hope of getting a slight advantage should I come up against a genius.
The audition was not brilliant, as I only managed one nine letter word and one of my answers was only five. I also missed airfield and woodlice, which are typical audition words. I had one of the numbers games correct and the others a couple of points away. The conundrums don’t count for much unless you are borderline but I got one instantly and failed on the other two. (You get the full 30 seconds for conundrums in the auditions). It helps to talk with the other auditionists, both when you come into the room, when it helps you to relax and establish your presence, and afterwards, to release tension and share the experience. I cheekily offered to help Marie with the washing up which my friends seemed to think was a good move. I didn’t say much during the contest except to sound confident on finding the nine letter word and once to admit that I had timed out when 3 away from the numbers game, with a 1 and a 2 still left. I think this is a better policy than slyly adding them on after the 30 seconds are up.
So then I received a letter congratulating me and telling me that I would be invited up to Leeds in the spring. Several weeks later the date was confirmed as 31st March, which was ideal as Bristol City Council require their staff to take their remaining annual leave before the 1st April. So I had three days holiday then a weekend to leave me in a relaxed frame of mind. I spent a couple of weeks (and about £200) buying loads of new shirts so that I wouldn’t have to wear anything from my own manky wardrobe. Hoping, of course, that I wouldn’t be knocked out in the first game, which is always the most difficult.
Having checked the train times I realised that my arrangement to go up on the 7.58 train on Monday morning was flawed as it was the day after the clocks went forward, so I would have to leave home at a bodyclock* time of only six in the morning. So I got up early on Sunday to make sure of an early night. Late in the afternoon I thought I may as well log on to the Internet and print out the return trains for Tuesday. To my horror I saw a notice advising passenger that there would be a series of train strikes on Monday. I phoned the enquiries number and was told that yes, there were no trains from Bristol to Leeds on Monday, only a two hour shuttle service to Sheffield. I left a message on Marie’s answerphone telling her I would not be able to get there but then thought there might be a Sunday evening train available. There was, but only if I hurried. So I chucked my new clothes into a rucksack, together with my laptop and other vital stuff, and ran for the bus to Temple Meads.
The first thing I discovered, as soon as I was on the bus, was that I had packed my stereo and CDs but forgotten the headphones. I often do that and it is very annoying. Too late now. I phoned Marie again from the station and left a second message cancelling the first then managed to get the number of the Holiday Inn from directory enquiries and booked a room for the night, hoping that I would not have to pay the £59 myself. I tend to prefer staying in cheap guest houses but they are hard to come by when you arrive in Leeds at 10.30 in the evening.
I walked to the hotel which only took a little over ten minutes, and was easy to find (the entrance is at the back adjacent to the car park). The hotel was very good although it does have a dual carriageway running outside and I don’t like noise. It took me about ten minutes to learn how to operate the lights (you have to put your keycard* into the slot just inside the door) and later I had a lot of difficulty switching the television completely off – it had a clock on the front which gave a green glow when the lights were off, another of my dislikes. But at least I got to the bar in time for a pint. There were only a couple of people in the bar, one of whom was a Countdown contestant . I didn’t go and speak to him but it turned out later to be Anthony.
I slept well and was pleased to be able to get up later than my Monday train would have left Bristol. Then I discovered that I’d forgotten to pack any socks. Luckily it is only your top you have to change between rounds. Breakfast was ok – my dilemma over whether to go for full English breakfast or keep myself healthy and alert was solved by the fact that they did not serve a hot meal. (Note for future contestants: they do not serve dinner either.) Then into Leeds for the other function of my trip – checking out the rail and bus interchanges as part of my transport course dissertation. Like everything I don't like doing I had let this drift and now had only five weeks to finish the research and write it up. In case you’re interested, Leeds has a very good train interchange, with lots of local services, but it is very hard to find out about buses unless the tourist office is open. And there are no bus maps showing you where to go. But the station had a very good feel, with loads of shops and a bright spacious atmosphere. Just a shame that the sign pointing to taxis and buses leads you to an exit where there aren’t any taxis or buses.
And so to Yorkshire TV, only five minutes walk from the hotel. Coachloads of spectators were herded to the back entrance so three or four of us sat in reception for fifteen minutes as if waiting for an execution. Then we were taken along a narrow corridor to the male dressing room where our clothes were checked (only our tops fortunately) and I was told I couldn’t wear my new T-shirt as it had a tiny Quicksilver logo on it. So I selected another T-shirt to wear in the hot seat and a new yellow shirt for my first game. It had some stripes but they were allowable. Then to the Green Room which is where the contestants relax (if that is the word for it). It was here that I had my bombshell. Gwynne was to be paired against six times winner John Davies and if she lost I would be the only obstacle between a bulldozer and an octochampionship. Tea and coffee were free but instead I tried to practice conundrums from the Countdown dictionary. I soon found out how wound up I was because I tried unbundling tidiclean and just couldn't do it. I was worried I might not solve it before going on (I never look up the solution to a conundrum) and it would overshadow the game.
I put on my newly ironed hot-seat shirt and was taken to make-up where a camp young man made me look pretty (well he dabbed a little powder on my face to make the red bits less shiny) and then back to the Green Room. Suddenly out popped identical and my mood lifted a little. After what seemed like an age we went in to the studio and it was inspiring to see the set in real life. The audience was already in. I was ushered to a seat in the corner of the bottom row with an ominous green sign saying Reserved. There was a pad and pen on the seat (as there are for all spectators) but the seat next to me was empty as I had no friends. The warm-up man (Dudley Doolittle) was very funny but I wasn’t really in the mood. Then Carol came in and everyone cheered but I wasn’t really enthusiastic until Richard arrived and it was great to see him in the flesh even though he has quite a lot of it. Despite what a lot of people say about him he really is a most relaxing and comfortable guy. He talked to the audience for a couple of minutes then the sound technicians made their final touches including fitting me with a microphone for the frightening experience of saying whether I had got the conundrum.
And then it started. The audience were roused to a cheer by Dudley and Richard made his introductions for John and Gwinne. He introduced the guest, Linda Smith, whom no one seemed to have heard of though she has been on Radio 4 a lot. She turned out to be the star of the day and the shows are well worth watching just for her. (Her slot is 12-16 May). I played the game as I do at home, scoring separately against both contestants, and beat Gwynne but went into the conundrum 7 points down against John and failed to see it. (It only took him one second.) This wasn’t too worrying as I often do a good game after a failure but then I had a bad omen as Richard got my name wrong when he asked me how I had done. In the past the advice has been not to say whether you got the conundrum or not but it seems these days most people simply say they didn’t get it. Probably they didn’t. I played straight and said I hadn’t had a very good day. At least when I said I was terrified of playing John I got a laugh from the audience.
There are out-takes (they call them pick-ups) after each show when they rerecord something that one of the presenters fluffs up, but this time there were a mind-breaking six to get through. I thought they were going to do a pick-up on Richard saying my name but they didn’t so I had to hope they would edit the soundtrack instead (they didn't). Off to change my shirt but took the wrong corridor and nearly ended up in Linda’s dressing room, then back to the Green Room (which incidentally is painted a light shade of red) and John was in there so I said hallo to him and a couple of minutes later Fiona came back and took us to the studio. The challenger’s chair was pretty comfortable but I was a turmoil inside and couldn’t bear the sound of Dudley’s cheery manner. I was sitting next to Richard who was very friendly and put me at ease, and made sure this time he had my name right. He loved the fact that I come from Fishponds as he has a thing about unusual place names but I forgot to tell him that I live in the only Ernestville Road in the country. Not really sure if that’s at all interesting now I think about it.
You can see the precise details of the game by clicking here. I lost to John on a crucial conundrum when we were both on 93. Richard sensibly did not try and say much to me on camera, except to get me to admit that I hadn’t been anywhere close on a relatively simple word. Then a couple of pick-ups to endure and everyone crowded round with their commiserations and told me how I could have been an octochamp* if I had played anyone else and all that guff. But in fact once the game was over things did start to get better. For one I was much more willing to talk to the other contestants and share the experience. They were quite impressed that I had beaten John in two letters games and one numbers game. Carol didn’t speak to me as both John and I had chosen four large numbers. Or maybe she was just busy. Back to the Green Room for tea and biscuits and John, who is a baker, had brought in some cakes he made himself.
John was out of the game as he had played eight so Martin Gardner** was brought in to play Anthony. In potential octochamp situations they bring in a reserve – this was Martin’s third time as he had not been required on the other two occasions. So I sat in the audience and watched them slug it out. I would have lost to Martin, as it happened, but he would not in fact have been my opponent – I would have had Anthony and beaten him by one point when neither of us found the conundrum. The next two games were far easier – in fact I ‘beat’ Martin by 102 to 67 from the audience in his second game, and by a smaller margin in the last game of the day. But that is what might have been.
Did I enjoy the experience? Yes, apart from the game, which was incredibly difficult. And more. Of course it’s better to lose a hard-fought game than lose stupidly so I did feel that I’d acquitted myself reasonably well, but I cannot believe I missed the conundrum when John took a whole second over it. But the people were great, both contestants and producers, and it was wonderful to see how the show is produced. It is a show with a lot of laughter and relaxation to balance out the tension of the game. It is also a very cruel game, as at least two thirds of the players only get one showing, and there are no second chances. It would be much fairer if you could apply again after The other four contestants who were knocked out all thoroughly enjoyed the day – not to mention the free bar with the producers in the evening.
I discovered an interesting fact about Countdown while sitting in the audience for the later games. I happened to be above the area where the technicians shuffle the letters for the next round - they put former contestants at the back so they don't show on camera, to maintain the semblance of filming on separate days. I had always wondered how they set the letters so that they do no produce four O’s, for example. Games played on my computer frequently have four of the same letters or even five E’s. By my reckoning all the vowels should be E in 3% of games with three vowels, 1% with four vowels and 0.2% with five vowels but it never happens on the show. In fact they try and unclump* the letters by putting them into piles. Apart from this they are random but since the sorters can see the letters as they shuffle them there is probably a certain amount of hidden order in the selections.
I the evening I had a drink with Anthony in the hotel bar as it seemed a bit flat to go straight to bed. There were a group of rowdy lads in the bar shouting something about Countdown and it turned out that one of them was a contestant. He had done a massive two hours of preparation and was on first game the next day (against Martin). His name was Richard Brooks and he claimed to have done just 20 minutes practice. He was certainly up to enjoy the experience - and in fact did pretty well if you saw the show. Nice to know there are some sane people in the world.
*Not an allowable Countdown word.
** Congratulations to Martin who became the second octochamp* of the series,
Jerry can be contacted by mailing mail@jerryh.org.uk